Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
