They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
