ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
