got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You're like the curious george of whores
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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