I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
