i dedicated my morning wood to you.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
