how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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