Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
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I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
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He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything