The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
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you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
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Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text