I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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