alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
