I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
