Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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