i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
