Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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