just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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