Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
