OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
