my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
