Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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