Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You dont lie about slip and slides
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
