my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Thank you for not boning my boss.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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