i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
