Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
