capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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