i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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