Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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