I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
