I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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