i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
