apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
