Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
