K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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