the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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