I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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