Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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