I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
