first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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