Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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