I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
