i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
