Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
