One girl and one boy is just not enough.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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