All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
