So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
