There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
