Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
