Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
