i think i have herpe
just one?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
