you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
