in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
