The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
