Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
